My Giving Challenge: Dinner, Painting and Gratitude For My Kids

When I started this challenge, I thought that this month would take forever. While I was excited, it felt like an enormous task that I didn't have time to take on. The last thing I needed was one more thing to add to my daily to-do list. I also wasn't sure that I could finish it the way I wanted to.

As I prepare for my final week, I am sad and also inspired to continue giving. I don't want it to end. I have been challenging myself now for three weeks, day in and day out to stretch, to give, to forgo my judgments, to thank, to love, and to share myself. I want to keep it going. It has made me happy, pushed me to meet new people and enhanced my life in a way I never expected. There were days it was a challenge to find a gift, days I wanted to say "Fuck it, no one will know" but I persevered. I am so glad I did.

What if this could be a life commitment? What if we all made this a life commitment? A gift every single day of your life. I like to imagine what our community, our state, our nation and our world would look like if we made commitments based on giving instead of hurting, stealing, judging, or fighting.

Day 21: Dinner and Drinks
Today I wanted my gift to be taking my best friend out for a birthday dinner and drinks. She is a stay at home mom and spends 24/7 running her butt off and rarely gets an extended break from her kiddos. We made plans to go out for Thai food and a couple beers. As we shared a meal and caught up on husband shenanigans, our kid's summer boredom, and where we would run away to for a week, the check came. Even though I had told her I was taking her out, she went for her purse.
"I am taking you out for your birthday. Put your wallet back."
She begrudgingly did, but attempted to pay for beer at our next stop. The gentleman getting our beer order overheard me telling her (again!!!) that because it was her birthday, I was picking up the tab. My friend is very private, a bit shy and doesn't like to be the center of attention. Unfortunately for her, this guy started singing Happy Birthday in her honor. It was awesome. We were all singing, laughing and celebrating a woman who deserves nothing less.

This gift was one of the hardest to give because the recipient was so resistant to receiving. While I know she was grateful, she didn't feel deserving. It is a beautiful lesson for me, because I know I have been resistant when people offered me gifts in the past. That is going to change. I have also learned that being a gracious recipient is a gift to the giver. When a gift is offered, know in your heart that you deserve it and accept with an open heart.

Day 22: Painting
The Universe provided a path for me to spend Saturday on an outdoor project, which is exactly what I wanted to do with my day. It almost didn't happen, because I slept through my damn alarm and was running 30 minutes behind. Thankfully, my husband woke me up in enough time for me to throw some clothes on, grab a coffee and get my early bird face on. I checked my phone as I was getting my gear together and my mom had called and left a message at 6:35 am. It was odd because she is not a morning person either; you are more likely to find us finishing a novel at 2 am than out running a 5K at 6 am. I thought it might be an emergency, so I immediately called her back.

"Have you left your house yet?" she asked.
"No. What's up? Are you okay?" I asked
"Yeah. I'm almost to your house. I want to come volunteer with you today."
Had I woke up on time, she would have missed me. It all happens for a reason.

We headed out on our adventure. Once we arrived, we signed in, received a free t shirt, grabbed a quick bite and chose our jobs. Mom didn't care which area we worked, so I signed us up for painting. Our group was a fantastic mishmash of teens, middle aged men, gals in their 20's and even a few kids. We were all working toward the same goal, painting the exterior of a home in four hours. There were three colors, intricate detail work, eaves that would require a 30 foot ladder and a shed to build. Seem impossible?

They asked for volunteers who weren't afraid of heights to do the painting work on the highest part of the eaves and I raised my hand. I made my way up a wobbly ladder, leaning precariously against the house and started working. As I began to grasp how massive our project was, it reminded me of a poem by Shel Silverstein where a girl says she is going to eat a whale and so she starts taking small bites and after 96 years she eats that whale.....because she said she would. We didn't have 96 years but I knew if we kept taking one bite at a time, it would come together. The neighbors were wandering around, checking out our progress and giving unwarranted advice about what we were doing wrong. There was one woman who was sipping on her mug of coffee and chatting with the volunteers. At one point, I noticed she had brought a cup of coffee out to share with my mom. It was heartwarming. My mom had stepped outside of her comfort zone to come volunteer with me and the universe was thanking her. It may seem small, but no act of kindness can go unnoticed.

After four hours of hard work, paint in my eye, a gallon of paint dropped from a ledge, a color change and lots of laughing we were done. We had created something in half of a day that would have taken one person an entire week, because we had worked together. Our shirts said it all 'We Are Better Together'.
We certainly are.

Day 23: Gratitude For My Kids
I tell other people all the time how wonderful I think my kids are. They amaze me with their humor, love for people and ability to move through life effortlessly. They don't wonder if they are capable or good enough because they live in a truth that we lose as adults, that we are all capable and enough. I strive to tell them daily how much I love them, but I feel that I don't tell them enough why they are so wonderful in my life. We all need to hear that sometimes. Today I sat down and wrote them each a personal thank you card with a long list of reasons that they are important to the world, their unique talents and a reminder from me that no matter where they go on their journey of life, I will love them more than the sun and the moon forever and ever. It's a gift we all deserve to give and receive numerous times in our life.

My Giving Challenge: PDA, A Pedicure and The Universe (Again!!)

Day 19: Public Display of Affection

I am sure I have covered this issue inside and out, but here is a refresher....I hate big, public activities. While most people are wetting their pants to get to the outdoor free concert series, I am grateful to be living in the suburbs with an elderly dog that needs me to let him outside every hour. I couldn't possibly make it. Between the the traffic, the lack of parking, waiting in lines, and standing shoulder to shoulder with drunk assholes I just can't get excited about any of it. I avoid concerts, fireworks shows, festivals and farmer's markets. It's not that I hate people, I just hate being around them.

This year there is a ban on outdoor fireworks where we live, so short of driving past the rule breakers on our way home from the grocery store, we haven't seen any lights in the sky. I could survive the entire summer without a fireworks show, but our kids have only one childhood and they deserve every experience we can pack into the 18 years we have them around. I know the day is not too far off when no one will be asking to go to the park or wanting to see a drive in movie with their old, gross parents.

My husband thought it would be "fun" to take the kids to the largest July 24th fireworks display. He offered to take them alone because he is well aware that I would rather eat my weight in pickled beets than go to a park to see fireworks. Initially I took him up on the offer. I could sit at home reading a book or visit my sister and have a few beers with her on the patio. Both options sounded like heaven. The closer we got the more I realized that I didn't want to stay home, I didn't want to miss seeing my son's face when the sky lit up or miss my daughter laughing at her dad's jokes. I also wanted to give them the gift of my time and get out of my comfort zone to do it.

We packed the car with blankets and I committed to having a positive attitude the entire night, no traffic irritation, no swearing at strangers under my breath, no losing my patience over parking or flipping off pedestrians. It was quite a commitment and we had a wonderful time. We walked five blocks from our parking spot, initially sat in an area where we couldn't see the fireworks and sat in traffic for an hour to get back home, all for 25 minutes of lights in the sky.
"Thanks Mom and Dad for taking us to see the fireworks. That was so much fun."
That's all it took. My gift was my time and getting out of my comfort zone in order to give my kids an experience and I received so much more in return. It's becoming the theme of this giving month.

Day 20: Pedicure for Mom

We had this great little pedicure place where Mom and I would get pampered, it was inexpensive and they were fantastic. It's gotten complicated over there and the last time Mom went in, she spent a very long time getting her toes painted and most of the time being someone's shoulder to cry on. Needless to say, we both have really ugly feet right now, my toenails are so long that I can't wear half the shoes in my closet and Mom has been needing to borrow some polish from us to fix up her own toe issues.

Yesterday, while contemplating my gift for the day, I thought about Mom's feet. That sounds weird, but I wanted to share a talent with someone I love. What talent do I have? I am great at massaging people's feet, scrubbing callouses and painting toes. And I actually like it. It's a weird talent, but we all have the make the best with what we are given. While a lot of people are grossed out by feet and toes, I don't mind scrubbing, rubbing and smelling people's feet. Chalk it up to being an oddball.

Our bathroom cabinet is chocked full of nail polish, a pedicure set and a massaging foot bath. I threw them all in my trunk, dropped the kids off at the movies theater and headed over to tackle mom's feet. Mom and I laughed and chatted as I massaged her tootsies and painted her toes. A gift for the person who has loved me from the minute I was born. It's the very least I could do.

Interesting Turn of Events

I am not going to preach to anyone about what to believe or what not to believe, that's not my business. I believe that there is a higher power guiding my life and that when I ask the Universe for something, it is provided. That works for me. Here is how it worked for me 5 minutes ago: I wanted to do an outdoor service project tomorrow, it has been on my mind since Monday. I had every intention of calling my neighbor to see if she knew of anyone who needed yard work, clean up or moving done. I was tempted to ask on FB as well, but I hadn't gotten around to it yet. While I was writing this blog, I got an invitation from a FB group, Love Does Stuff (lovedoesstuff.org)  for a service project tomorrow morning doing clean up and landscaping. Coincidence? Not in my mind. The Universe gave me exactly what I wanted. Thanks for that, Universe.

My Giving Challenge: Ugh, Blah and Love

Day 14: What is a gift?

It was destined to happen, right? The day where I was so busy, so overwhelmed, and could't see how or where I would fit in giving a gift. That was today. I needed to do payroll, get some writing assignments sent off and get back home in time to clean up and make dinner. As I retrace my day, I can see many times where I gave a gift, but not with full intention and then I got all fucked up in my head and say "Well, that doesn't count." Picking up a drink for my hubby, taking a check to the bank so he didn't have to, making food, cleaning and laughing with my kids. This is a running theme in my life. I have a tendency to undervalue what I do and see the greatness in others when they do the same thing. Even after working for a few hours, coming home to play with my kids, making spaghetti dinner for my family and cleaning up the kitchen, I told myself I hadn't given a gift. I had failed. I would have to start over and begin with Day 1, as they recommend in the book. I was overwhelmed with the thought of starting over after being almost halfway through my challenge.

Then I remembered one of the gifts I had read about in the book, the author had made her husband dinner one evening. It was big for her because she struggled with MS and had been unable to cook, clean or even leave her house alone. Here is what I told myself....I make dinner every night and I don't have MS and I need to do something bigger and now I have failed. I almost allowed it to get me so bummed out that I contemplated quitting the challenge all together.

After a couple of days to get over myself, I realize that I did give my family a gift by making dinner and that regardless of how big or small it may seem, it is a gift. I learn a lot about myself through this blog and this challenge especially, today I learned that what I expect from myself is sometimes ridiculously unreachable.

Day 15: The Job No One Wants

I have a few jobs around my house that I detest tackling, ie; scrubbing bathtubs, cleaning showers, making beds and dusting blinds. I would imagine that most people who work, whether at home or away, have a few things they avoid doing or begrudgingly tackle only when its absolutely necessary. At our small business, its pulling items. There are rows and rows of bins and numerous pages that need to be done, which can take anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours depending on sales. It's monotonous. Wandering the warehouse, pulling bags out of bins and realizing after an hour that you still have two more pages to go before you throw yourself off the roof. It is right up there with scrubbing tubs, for me.

Saturday's at our house are usually spent at home getting chores done or taking the kids on an outing. This weekend, my hubby had to work and I had a couple of hours to spare before a party, so we all went to the warehouse together. My daughter wanted to work, but no one wanted to pull the 7 pages of items that needed to be shipped. That would be my gift today. I took the pages and left my family in the cool office while I tackled spiders and heat in the warehouse. I actually enjoyed myself. I daydreamed about what my kids would be like when they grew up and where I would like to travel. It's amazing how shifting my attitude from "UGH" to "HOORAY", changed even the most lackluster job.

Today, I also received a much needed phone call from a friend who had just finished reading the last few weeks of blog posts on here. She called to let me know how amazing she thought my writing was and how she wanted to share it with everyone she knew. I was having a grouchy evening and it meant so much to me to hear that she was reading, enjoying and sharing my blog. When I feel like punching a wall, the Universe sends me the love I need. It's no accident.

Day 16: Saying I Love You

We hear it all the time, make sure to tell the ones you love how much you care about them before it's too late. A few years back, it almost was too late. My sister was in a terrible head on collision on the interstate while she was headed to work one morning. The roads were covered in snow and she was bumped by a semi-truck which sent her spinning into oncoming traffic. It happened that fast. One moment she was driving to work and the next moment she was trapped in her car with shattered glass filling her mouth and a broken femur. There is no way to explain how bad her car was damaged except to say that the insurance adjuster didn't believe my mother when she told him that my sister had survived the accident. Had I told her the day before that I loved her? Had I talked to her in the last week? I don't know. I don't remember. And that is not okay with me. I never want my family or friends to wonder if they were loved, to wonder how I felt about them or question how important they are in my life.

My gift today was a phone call and a text message to two people I love very much. I don't want to miss a single opportunity to share that with people in my life.

Today, I also received a phone call from someone I gifted last week, thanking me for the package he received in the mail. It was heartwarming to hear his voice and know that the small token I had given was appreciated. Giving is also about receiving....receiving thanks without saying "It's no problem" or "It wasn't that much". Instead I received the gift of thanks with "You are welcome." The end.

My Giving Challenge: Food, A Bag and Thanks

Day 5: Dish Bitch

I have never struggled with food insecurity. I have never gone hungry lest by my own choice. I have never stood in a food line or looked into a bare pantry. I have also never volunteered my time to serve those who know what it feels like to desperately need a hot meal. There have been many times when I have donated to food banks, given cans of food to the Boy Scouts and added a buck at the grocery store register for a local soup kitchen. Those things are well within my comfort zone. Seeing it firsthand...not so much.

I had the opportunity to volunteer my time this week to serve at a soup kitchen and I signed up without really thinking it through. That's the only way that I knew I wouldn't be able to flake out. When the time came to leave work and make the thirty minute drive, I was moody and  I didn't want to go. I only knew one person there, I wouldn't know what I was doing, there would be no parking, they wouldn't need me and on and on the story went. There were few times during my drive that I contemplated turning around, going shopping, stopping at a coffee shop or faking an illness to get out of my commitment. This was way out of my comfort zone, which is exactly why I showed up.

When I arrived, I was greeted by Russ, the person I knew, and immediately introduced to everyone else. There was a large LDS youth group, a few regulars, some employees and a man with blue bandanna and a Jersey accent, John. He was harassing Russ and when it was time to get started, he began recruiting for dish duty. Russ had wanted me to be on the line filling up trays, but the larger volunteer group had that area covered, so I raised my hand.
"I'll be on dishes with you guys."
John didn't look too thrilled to have me on the team and when I volunteered for pots and pans, I thought he was going to have a coronary.
"I don't let ladies in my dish pit, I just want you to know. It can get real crazy back here."
He was tough on the outside, loud as a motherfucker and pretty good at intimidating people. It would have worked on me, except my dad could be his evil twin. I grew up with that shit, so I let him know what was up.
"I've been doing dishes since I could walk and you don't scare me."
The other two guys in the dish pit laughed.

The first group let in to eat are the families and the disabled. As I watched a young woman strap her baby in a highchair and get her three other children trays of food, I imagined her standing outside in the sweltering heat waiting for a chance to feed her kids. I can't imagine what that is like. There were older men in wheelchairs and young men with mental illnesses, there were women with all their belongings in a backpack and teens who looked too young to be away from home. To say it was humbling would be an understatement. Then there were the amazing people who work at this soup kitchen and start their day at 6 am, while I am still sleeping. They begin prepping for the meals that they will serve before most of us are getting up for work and the majority of them are volunteers. They show up every single day to serve this community.

Back on dish duty, I was scrubbing the shit out of the pots and pans, throwing them in the sanitizer and cleaning my area as I went along.
"She's pretty good, huh?" Russ nudged John. "You ever have someone detail your sink in the middle of a rush?"
John came over to check out my work and to remind me, once again, that he doesn't let ladies in his dish pit.
"Only my wife's been back here, but you come back whenever you like."
He thanked me numerous times and patted me on the back. We posed for a cheesy photo, covered in soapy water and dinner leftovers, all of us grinning from ear to ear. As we were leaving, John reached over and gave me the biggest bear hug I have ever lived through.
"I best be seeing you back here in my dish pit, you got it?"

Oh, you can bet your sweet ass I'm coming back, someone's gotta scrub those pans.

Day 6: A Bag and A Card

We went grocery shopping yesterday and as we were grabbing veggies, I spotted a lady in a wheelchair heading straight for us. I was pushing one of those fucking carts that moonlights as a race car with my 50 pound kid twisting and turning the fake steering wheel. These things are harder to maneuver than a semi truck on a sheet of ice. I stayed put, as to not injure her any further, while she reached for a bunch of broccoli from behind me, barely able to pull it off the shelf.

(A little side note before we go any further, I don't offer help to strangers. I am afraid that they will be angry and yell at me, or that they are ax murderers who want to kill me, or that I will have to make small talk about weather and cute kids during the transaction. It makes me uncomfortable.) 

Against my better judgement, I asked her if I could grab a bag for her broccoli, since the store designers seem to think that only people who stand at 5'9 or above deserve the luxury of a plastic bag.
"That would be great, thank you."

As I was walking away with my bag of broccoli, she began talking to me again. Initially, I was concerned as per my side note above.
"They have a deal right now where if you get one of these white bags, you can fill it with all the produce it can hold for just $10."
I feigned interest initially because I thought she blowing smoke up my ass and then I noticed a sign giving me the exact information she had just offered.
"Thank you so much." I smiled as I grabbed my white bag and began a competition in my own mind for who could fit more shit inside of it.
(Another side note, I fit fifteen pounds of produce in that bag at a total cost of ten dollars and the checkout lady seemed as impressed as I was. Winning. I'm the winner of that fake contest.)

I also wrote a card to someone in my life whom I love very much and haven't had much contact with recently. This will be a reoccurring theme during my giving challenge, because I want to train myself to send love and gratitude via snail mail on a more regular basis. There is nothing sweeter than finding a brightly colored envelope addressed to you, stuck between that bullshit magazine you never read and the water bill you want to hide in a vat of coleslaw. Handwritten cards are where it's at, bitches. Tell a friend.

In the book, The 29 Gifts, the author talks about how when you begin to give consciously, you will begin to receive. You can call it what you want...karma, good juju, or just chance, but it happens.

Here is a list of what I have received this week.

-Cookies and a card from my neighbor who I rarely talk to. (In the card, she refers to herself as "weird and anti-social". Just my kind of peeps.)
-Two meals paid for by my dad. (Who hides money under his mattress and claims to be broke all the time.)
-Eight dollars off my grocery bill.
-Five days of feeling grateful, happy and stress free. I haven't done laundry and my sink is full of dirty dishes, but I am so fulfilled.

It's fucking weird.


If you haven't checked it out already, here is a link to my article on mariashriver.com.
http://mariashriver.com/blog/2013/07/what-i-learned-from-the-end-of-my-parents-29-year-marriage-mandy-brasher

My First Two Days Of Giving

Saturday July 6, 2013. Day 1: Saying Thank You

My sister is wonderful in so many ways, but one quality she possesses that I adore are her hand written thank you notes that she sends for everything. She mails them when you spend an evening with her, when you make a salad to share at a BBQ and for just about anything she finds gratitude in. Being a recipient is always a blessing and this inspired my first gift.

I have a challenging relationship with my in laws. There are times I am offended by them and times they are surely offended by me. I'm not sure I was their first choice for someone to marry their youngest son. When I began this challenge, I had an aha moment regarding my in laws. I felt an overwhelming need to thank them. They raised the man I married. A man who has always been respectful of me, has cared for me and treated me better than any man I have had in my life. He is a patient father, an honest businessman, and a consistent provider. My in laws raised the man I love today.

I sat down and wrote out a thank you card that I had bought at Target and after reading it over I proceeded to rip it into a million pieces. It wasn't perfect. I found another card in my desk drawer and tried again to perfectly portray my gratitude. My handwriting bugged me and the lines weren't even. I wanted to edit it a few hundred more times, but it was in pen and I had to let go of the idea of it being perfect.

As I dropped it in the mail, I remembered the feeling of receiving a thank you card from my sister and how powerful a small card with handwritten words can be. My in laws deserve to experience that joy, as well.

Sunday July 7, 2013 Day 2: A Rub Down

I went to massage school back when dinosaurs roamed the earth. There was a year when I worked as a therapist in Vegas, met my hubs and gave it up for a life of babies, cooking and mental breakdowns. There have been many times I have offered a back rub to my family, my kids and even close friends. There is one person who I know loves my back rubs more than anyone on the planet, my hubs. Here's the deal, he makes me crazy as the person on the table. He talks,  fidgets, moves the sheet, and makes inappropriate comments. (Funny, but inappropriate.) When he complains about lower back pain or sore hamstrings, I pretend I'm deaf or suggest that he find a massage therapist. Someone who is not me.

Yesterday, my man spent most of the day cleaning up the yard for a neighborhood gathering at our house. He even edged and cleaned up dog poop without me asking. We did a quick workout together and then he set up games for the kids in the front yard and played catch with our kiddos. While he wasn't initially thrilled with the idea of everyone coming to our yard, he socialized and laughed and inspired me. He deserved a gift.

I set up my massage table and gave him a gift that he is always asking for without him having to ask. He talked and fidgeted and drove me nuts, but I knew he was grateful. Gift two was a success and I learned something about me that I don't like; I put a lot of time and energy into relationships that aren't working and forget to nurture the ones that are. It's easy for me to forget those who are always here in order to impress the ones who never are. That bullshit ends today.

Gratititude

Why gratitude? There are thousands of thoughts, ideas and hilarious quips I could share with you today but I feel gratitude deserves a little time in the spotlight. It may seem insignificant to say out loud what you are grateful for and sometimes it is even easier to berate yourself and others. We spend so much time talking about what is wrong in our lives, what we wish would change, or what others have done to fuck it all up for us. The truth is easy to profess and hard to hear. When you are grateful, the universe provides exactly what you need.
When I started my GratiTuesday lists, it was challenging to find more that a couple things I was grateful for. I felt irritated about what I didn't have, who didn't love me and where my life wasn't going. I would angrily post a couple things and then backspace through all of it. Why should I be grateful? Bad things had happened, people left and I didn't have room on my credit card for those yoga pants I really wanted. Petty? Yes. But that was my truth. As the weeks went on, I had more and more to be grateful for even when life was hard. I was more willing to empathize and I suddenly needed less in my life to feel grateful.
We all have something to be grateful for. Start with being on this planet as a one of a kind human being. No one else looks, laughs, hugs, sings, farts or breathes exactly like you. That is pretty amazing! Begin with that and keep going. There are Tuesdays I am grateful for people I love and blessings I have in my life while other weeks find me grateful for sleep and a good, stiff drink. Let it take you where it will.
We are also working to instill this beautiful ideal into our children. Once a month, sometimes more and sometimes less, we go around the dinner table and share what we are grateful for. You will be amazed at what you hear. My kids, who like normal offspring, beg for video games and throw fits about not seeing their friends, are the most grateful people I know. They talk about their gratitude for our president, for having two happy parents, and for yummy food that mommy is home to make for them. I cry at these dinners, usually more than once. Try a gratitude dinner at your house tonight. It's a looking glass into the hearts of the people who love you the most.

GratiTuesday: My husband; who works extremely hard to provide for our family, free time, coffee, Costco tortillas, people who read my blog (YES, YOU!!), great books, laughing fits, and dying Easter eggs.

My heart is full and I know the Universe has wonderful things in store for me. They may not all be pleasurable but I am grateful to be here to experience them. What are you grateful for today?