Eat Your Puppy

My favorite part of Sunday is not football or church. There are two specific things that get me out of bed by 8 am on Sunday morning; CBS Sunday Morning and NPR's brilliant show Wait Wait Don't Tell Me. It's safe to say that even with five hundred channels and enough TV shows to choke a hippo, Sunday Morning is my favorite television show on the face of the planet. Interesting stories, in depth conversations with people I like and a focus on all that is beautiful in the world. The last two minutes of every show are a gorgeous presentation in some random place in the world, filled with silence or maybe a babbling brook. That's it. Seems so simple, but anyone who opens their mouth during the final moments of my show can bet on getting a dirty look or a not-so-accidental shove as we are passing in the hallway. One Sunday, I chose not to speak to anyone in my house for two hours because an unnamed roommate ran down the stairs asking for breakfast during the only two minutes of silence I ask for all fucking week. Anyway, that's not where we are going in this post, but do yourself a favor and tune in Sunday 8 AM MST.

My other Sunday lover is Wait Wait Don't Tell Me which finds humor in every possible news story that has happened during the previous week. With a few comics, a live audience and great commentators, this show gets me laughing out loud more than a few times. I absolutely adore laughing by myself, mouth full of coffee, decked out in my slippers that have begun to smell like corn chips. That's an issue for another post.

Today, they had a news story about dog perfume. That's right people, if you can't handle the stench of your mutt you can purchase a scent just as disgusting as that Axe spray you insist on lathering yourself in every fifteen minutes, but for your pet. Create coughing fits on your morning walk with scents such as vanilla lavender and poochie patchouli, for all you hippie dog lovers out there. As I was researching this moronic invention for 21st century pet owners, I came across this little blip on one website selling perfume specifically for those yappy dogs that fit in purses and toaster ovens.

"Your senses with be overwhelmed with childhood nostalgia when you give your furbaby the scent that will make him or her smell good enough to eat."

First off, gross. Why do you want your pet to smell good enough to eat? Perhaps that is why most pets smell like rotten fish and anal glands, so we won't consider them for the crock pot. I'm disturbed by the fact that they use the term 'furbaby' and then talk about feasting on aforementioned baby. I didn't use perfume on my babies for that exact reason, I didn't want the temptation to eat my young. If they smelled like a dirty diapers and spit up I could keep myself from licking their forehead or dipping their toes in ketchup. Personally, I think dogs smell like dogs because they should smell like dogs. By all means, bath your dog and brush his teeth in order to keep those doggy kisses from smelling like an acid bath, but I call bullshit on dog perfume. It's bad enough that I am forced to sit next to you and your musk obsession at the movies, I don't want your dog to smell like rose water, too. Unless you decide on bacon perfume, then by all means, spritz yourself and Fido. Just don't act surprised when I follow you home, start chewing on your leg and licking your puppies paws.