My Not Scary, Pretty Cool Birth Story

This picture is clearly taken before the invention of birth photographers who can make you look beautiful, peaceful and rested immediately after pushing an 8 pound human out of your vagina. I didn't have that photo taken. My pics were taken by family members while I lounged around in greasy hair and maternity tops. I had packed some great outfits for my time after baby and strangely, they all shrunk on the trip to the hospital. I was forced to wear home what I had worn to the hospital and my body looked just as unfortunate in the before and after shots. That 40 pound baby I was planning to take home weighed a lot less and water weight turned out to be a fucking lie. What was great about this whole situation is how amazing my birth experience was. You have probably heard plenty of pantie dropping, butt hole tightening birth stories. Most of them are scary enough to keep you from having intercourse for the rest of your life. This isn't one of them.

I had my daughter, pictured above, when I was 23 years old and naive as shit. Luck was with me when I randomly chose an OB/GYN who took our insurance and was a God send to my vagina. She asked me what I wanted my birth to look like and then stretched my twat beyond reason to keep me from needing stitches. My plan initially was to go with no medication, all natural, no C-Section, no suction and to go into labor naturally. She had warned me that birth plans don't always come to fruition, but that she would do her best to create the birth that I desired. I was 37 weeks along when I found out I was 3 cm dilated and being a first time mom, I was ecstatic. Come to find out, I would stay at 3 cm for three weeks and see no other progress. My doctor asked if I would like to be induced at 40 weeks in order to have her deliver our daughter, or wait it out and have one of her colleagues be in the delivery room. Vacations for doctors are a real bitch. We chose the first option.

We were scheduled for our induction on Sunday, August 11 and we prepared to head to the hospital at 8 am. When we showed up, we were put in a room and I was hooked up to monitors, given an adorable backless gown and started on Pitocin. It wasn't in my birth plan, but I was so fucking ready to get this baby out that I didn't care. I was still planning on no pain medication, however once the first wave of contractions started I began screaming for the shot in the back that I so clearly deserved. The epidural was administered and I went from wanting to claw my husband's face off to chilling in bed with some decent TV programs. That went on for a few hours. Laboring was a breeze and the only issue I was encountering was my hunger and my need to take a huge shit. I asked to be helped to the restroom and the nurse informed me that it wasn't a bowel movement, but my need to push out this baby that was causing my discomfort. We argued for a few minutes and when she checked me again, I was at a 10 and ready for action. I was convinced I still needed to poop, but that wasn't happening so I gave up and started pushing. With my legs propped in the air, my face sweating and hoards of people with their eyes on my naughty bits, I pushed for just under an hour. During that period, I took a shit on the table (I told you, bitch) and eventually gave birth to a healthy, screaming baby girl.

I had the normal excessive bleeding along with maxi pads the size of an RV, but otherwise I felt great. The epidural wore off quickly and I was ready to go home early the next morning. From start to finish, the birth of our daughter took 10 hours and was a beautiful end to 9 months of eating and sleeping whenever I wanted. I loved being pregnant, I loved giving birth and I have loved, even more, raising the wonderful girl who we were blessed to take home that day. The moral of this story: Don't be scared, find a great doctor, be willing to switch up your birth plan and know that your body can do amazing things. Like push a watermelon out of a hole the size quarter. Think about that.