Loving Dirty Underwear

Our wedding day, August 23, 2000.

I did my fair share of dating. By fair share, I mean what I feel was fair and enough that I didn't need to share myself with anyone else. High school wasn't the highlight of my life, social or otherwise, so very little dating went on and when I got out of high school I was convinced that there was no one romantically interested in a weirdo like me. I had gay friends who fulfilled the part of me that wanted to hear "You look hot" or "Let me pick you up for dinner, sweetie". I knew how to masturbate, so looking to get laid wasn't making my to-do list at the time.

My longest relationship, before meeting my husband, lasted a couple of months and ended when this particular guy visited me in Vegas and informed me that he wanted to give up his whole life and move in with me. The desperately needy thing was a turn off and I dumped him before he headed back home. I had one relationship (if you can call it that) which ended after I drove 40 minutes to bring Mr. Faker homemade chicken noodle soup and found him in bed with a girl whom he introduced to me as his girlfriend. There was the guy with a mullet who took me on a ride down State Street on his bullet bike and forced me to question the type of men I attracted. If they weren't in a band (equals jobless) than they lived with their mom (equals will love her more than you). My batting average wasn't very good. One of the band guys took me to his sister's house, where he lived on the couch, and proceeded to treat me in a manner that I imagine most prostitutes would find disturbing. A couple of weeks later, he introduced me to his girlfriend after I surprised him by showing up to one of his shows. Yeah, I've been that girl a few times.

I wasn't made to withstand the "bliss" of having a random guy buy me a drink in a bar, ask for my number and then fuck my best friend the next weekend. I've never enjoyed having strangers buy me drinks, I'm clear that there is an expectation. My parents taught me that nothing in life is free, so that shit never worked on me. I don't like wondering if you want to hold my hand or kiss me at the end of our date. I find no joy in hearing you call your mom a horrendous bitch or informing me that you have two kids you never see because their mom is cunt. It tells me a lot about a man who speak about women in derogatory terms and I don't like it.

Then one day it all changed. I met someone who worked, went to school, and respected me. He wasn't in a band (which makes sense if you have ever heard him sing) and after 13 years, I have never walked in to find him fucking anyone else. Or introducing me to his girlfriend. We had new love that eventually grew into saggy boobed, spare tire love. While some may tout the heart palpitating joy of new love, I will take old love every day of the week. The longer I wake up next to the same farting rear end, the more I realize that I wasn't cut out for single.

I like consistent. I like waking up to the same bad breath, the same inability to take a quiet shower, the same pair of holey underwear and the same drink cups left in every corner of the house. I love washing aforementioned holey underwear and turning the one leg of your jeans inside out before I throw them in the washer. It is a little piece of heaven when you gently caress my back and ask me if I am up for one more show. I am totally up for one more show. I was built for long, smelly, old, fat, nasty love. That new stuff is highly overrated and I get the same butterflies I did the first time you kissed me, except now I don't ever wonder if it will be the last time. We will kiss again tomorrow and the next day and then we will fight about money or who is getting up with the kids. I will apologize and so will you and I'll curse your dirty underwear after you leave for work. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

  Our first 5k together, May 2013.

Don't forget to head over to mythirtyspot.com where I have a new article about raising boys and why I was scared shitless to do it. 

What I Love And Love To Hate

I am a voyeur. I love to know creepy details about other people and I absolutely adore watching how other people function on a day to day basis. It explains my obsession with people watching at Starbucks and watching reality shows back when they were actually real, ie: Intervention, Dateline and Cops. Huge fan. Maybe you don't care about knowing the details of other people's lives and if that is the case, this post is not for you. Today, I will delve in to the nitty gritty of what I love and the crap that makes me want to slam my head into a brick wall. For those of you who stay interested, it may surprise you to know a few of these things and some of them may have you questioning your affection for me.

Things I Love

-Hiking
This is surprising to me because I hate camping. Find out why in my semi-amusing post about this childhood activity. http://busybeinghappy.blogspot.com/2013/03/why-camping-is-like-work-without.html
I realized two years ago, that being in the mountains without having to sleep there was actually quite therapeutic and an amazing workout. I enjoy pushing my body past what I thought it was capable of, I like sweating a ton, seeing an amazing view and then stuffing more calories in my body than humanly possible. I can justify an Old Fashioned burger from Dairy Delight (the size of my head, no joke) after burning 1,000 calories hauling my ass up a mountain. I look at the top of that mountain and I see food, it's why I don't give up when I really want to sit down and cry.

-Brussel Sprouts
I think they taste yummy, so fuck you.

-Neil Diamond
Huge fan. I grew up listening to to this man and wondering why he didn't marry my mom when he had the opportunity, they would have made an adorable couple. I listen to Neil Diamond radio on Pandora at least once a day and saw the man, the myth, the legend in concert last year. (You will see in the hate list below why I would rather enjoy him on Pandora.) He may not make your list, but I love this son of a bitch.

-Rage Against The Machine When I Am Angry
The proof is in the pudding on this one. It makes me feel better. I crank it up on my shitty car speakers, they crackle and I feel so much better screaming "Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me."

-Bottled water
It tastes better. It's more convenient. I don't care that I have to pay for it. You think I'm a dick and that's just fine with me.

-Smoking
Yes, I have read the Surgeon General's warning. I know about the health effects. I know it makes people angry to see someone they love choosing to smoke. I know people view me as a bad parent for doing it in front of my kids. I know there are consequences. All that being said, I like to smoke and I don't plan to quit anytime soon. I don't need warnings from strangers or eye rolls from people I love and here is why....you get to decide what to put in your body and so do I. Whether you have a taste for prescription drugs, McDonald's burgers or Diet Shit Cola, it's your choice. I get to have one, too.

Things I Love To Hate

-The Goo Goo Dolls, Pink Floyd and The B-52's
Shitty music that makes my ears bleed.

-Concerts
I hate the parking, the crowds, and spending a car payment on one ticket. The real fun begins when I get to my nosebleed seat next to some ass bag who sings louder than the person I paid to see. I need binoculars to see the stage and I want to punch a baby. (I don't punch babies, so relax.) My concert going experience gets worse the older I get, so my one wish is that I never have to go to another one again. Ever.

-Diet Drinks
They taste worse than ass. Don't ask me how I know that. I don't care how overweight I get, I will never volunteer my taste buds for that kind of torture. Drinks were meant to taste yummy....beer, wine, milkshakes, Red Bull, iced tea. You see what I'm saying?

-Waking Up Early
I love people who endlessly vomit the benefits of seeing a sunrise and getting in a 20 mile run before heading to work at 8 am. And by love, I mean hate. There is nothing I need to see more at 6 am than my fucking eyelids. If I have to work early, fine. If I have an event, fine. You will never see me wake up early for the joy of waking up early. Because that is not joy.

-Newborns
I love my kids. I have loved them from the moment that they were a pinto bean in my belly, but I never loved the newborn stage of human beings. It's a lot of crying, pooping, nipple chomping, screaming and restless nights that I just never enjoyed. I suffered through the first three months because people told me it got better and they were right. I love having kids who talk to me, grab a drink out of the fridge and sleep for longer than 2 hours a night. Bless the babies, but I am not a person who wishes my kids were infants again.

-Horror Movies
At the tender age of 10, I was invited to a birthday party for a girl in my class whom I didn't know very well. When I arrived we did normal kid stuff like eating cake and playing games. Then the party took a turn for the worse. She put in Nightmare on Elm Street and while everyone else watched in amazement, I secretly puckered my asshole for fear I would shit myself. We were then led outside where we would be sleeping in a tent and waiting for Freddy Kruger to come tie us up over a bed where we would plummet into the depths of hell. No thanks. I called my mom, went home early and have hated horror movies ever since. Please argue this point with me...how fun it is to be scared. Wrong. I get scared when my seven year old jumps out from behind a door and I nearly fainted when the guy with the fake chain saw chased me out of the haunted house. Pass.

-Sex Anywhere But In A Bed
Yes I am a Scorpio and yes I have a sex drive. I don't like being uncomfortable. I don't like giving others the opportunity to see me in a vulnerable position. Don't feel bad for my husband, the thirteen years we have been together tells me he has accepted this quality in me. I have sex in the comfort of sheets and memory foam mattresses. No elevators, no tents (SOOO GROSS), no stairwells or back seats. I have tried it, and similar to Pink Floyd The Wall, I fucking hate it.

I will be honest, I could go on and on, but I think we have made good progress today. Please, please, please comment below and let me know what you hate, what you love and why.Your favorite food or a band that you wish would get lost in the Bermuda Triangle. I'd like to know that I'm not the only one who wonders how the Goo Goo Dolls ever obtained a record deal. It's like my own reality show.

If you haven't had a chance, please read my most recent article on making a bucket list, it's over at mythirtyspot.
http://www.mythirtyspot.com/2013/08/finding-bucket-list-in-our-30s.html