I hate this phrase...."No one can prepare you for children". It's meant to make you feel better about the fact that you feel like a homicidal maniac from the second they are born to the second you die and every fucking moment in between. Here's what I want to tell expectant mothers (not fathers, they don't play this losing game) I want to say "No one can prepare you to feel like a complete failure for the rest of life and perfection is the ultimate goal. Good luck". I can't count on all my phalanges how many times PER HOUR I question the adequacy of my parenting, the cleanliness of my house, the look of my children, and as of today how sufficient my yard and garage are in raising children. God knows, the only way to have happy children is to have an immaculate garage and a yard that is straight off the cover of Better Homes & Gardens. I dropped my youngest off at a birthday party and pulled up to realize his friends' mother had decorated their garage with construction cones, tables, chairs, and an abundance of crafts.It didn't look like a garage, it looked like a super clean extra family room. I was impressed and angry in the same moment. I can't even walk into my garage without tripping over a box, stubbing my toe on shelving unit or getting attacked by cobwebs. And this bitch is pulling off a birthday party in hers. I drove home questioning my parenting abilities.
Another favorite obsession is posting cute pics on social networks and obsessing over other peoples pictures in order to see if my parenting is measuring up. Are we doing enough outings? Are we involved in enough after school activities? Do my kids look as put together as her kids? It's a great way to drive yourself so mad that you end up in the hall closet, gripping a bottle of vodka and rocking yourself to sleep. I honestly have no clue as to how or why other people do what they do, but man isn't it great to wear the hat of shame all afternoon while you are stuck washing 25 loads of laundry and you see pics of your FB pal at the museum teaching her children about Vincent VanGogh. Epic fail.
Here's another trap I get caught in. Magazine covers. I found myself looking at one that had a young woman with two very small children, smiling and looking so put together and I thought "How does she find time to get her makeup on and blow out that much hair with two kids that are so young. It's not fair." Literally took me two minutes to come to the realization that she is an actress who lives in NYC. She has no kids and someone else's kids are in a picture with her. Those kids have a mom in the background who is in a sweatsuit and flip flops and hasn't washed her hair in a week. There is a makeup artist and a hair person and here I am feeling like a failure to my kids because we don't have a picture like that.
These are the moments I have to remember....I do have a disgusting garage that will never host a car, let alone a birthday party. One or all of the rooms in my house are messy about 99% of the time. I don't look like a model in pictures with my kids. My yard needs time that I am unwilling to give it because I would rather make brownies with my kids while they still think I am somewhat cool to hang out with. My kids wear pajamas all day sometimes and go days without using a hairbrush. My FB pictures feature children who now find it hilarious to make mad faces, fart faces and turned head poses. Here is the truth for me...no one can prepare you for how much you could love another human being which is the real reason we all strive for the cool yard and the jam packed park day. The garage on the other hand, that ain't never gonna happen.
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