I'm A Dick...At Work

Not everyone is fun to work with. Like me. You may be shocked to know what a complete dick I am at work. It can be especially painful if you happen to be a newbie and I happen to be having a severe nicotine withdrawal with no break in sight. I have a tendency to be snappy and bitch you out for not knowing every detail. Case in point: I was previously employed by a coffee company that I am sure you have heard of. I wore a green apron and marked cups with secret scrawl that you, as a customer,  were always trying to decipher. It was one of the lowest paying jobs I have ever had and I ended up being there for six years. It is really addicting making drinks for complete fucking assholes. It's like crack for a Type A personality. Once, while working with a new person, I grabbed a cup that this newbie had marked so I could 'happily' make an overpriced coffee concoction. I looked at the boxes and found only the bottom one marked, with approximately fifteen random letters. 

Me: "What is this suppose to be?" (Insert seriously pissed off face here.)

New Guy: "It's a blah blah blah with whip and light ice. Is that not the right marking?"

Me: "Okay. That is not even close to the right marking. So let me know when you learn how to mark cups and I will be happy to make that." (Hand cup back to new, untrained person. Refuse to make drink.)

I really am a dick to work with. Here is how you piss me off on the job:  1) You are new. Training new people to do a job you have been doing for years, is like teaching a monkey how to steam milk and scoop ice. The monkey is you. 2) You are incompetent and should have never been hired in the first place. I smell you coming a mile away and we will never be friends. The end. 3) You are a baby. The only thing I can count on from you, is that you will never show up on time and that you will call in sick every Friday and Saturday night. I hate people who don't take work seriously because that is a guarantee that I will end up doing your job and my job for the same paycheck I was receiving before you were hired. 4) You are a chameleon. I won't go into too much detail about this, but let me just say that there is a weird dynamic when you get hired and start becoming my creepy Single White Female stalker. If you don't get the reference, Google that shit.  

I am the first to admit that I don't work well with others in some situations. And by some, I mean most. Mostly every fucking situation. I hate being asked stupid questions and unlike what your teacher/mommy/BFF told you, there is such a thing as a stupid question. If you don't think this is true, you are the one asking them. Here are a few of my favorites from my coffee slinging days:

"They want a water, what should I do?"

"There is no more whipped cream in the fridge. What do we do now?"

"What should we do about that coffee spill over there?"

"They don't have enough money, should I give it to them anyway?"

"What if I don't have any clean aprons?"

Now I will answer all of these stupid fucking questions for you, so you can see how stupid they really are:

"Give them a fucking cup of water"

"Get off your ass and make some"

"How about....CLEAN IT UP and stop telling everyone about it." 

"If they ordered a drink they pay for a drink. In full."

"Tell your mommy that you need her to wash an apron for you or grow the fuck up and learn how to do a load of laundry."

Call me crazy, but I think when you are hired on at a grown up job where you work with other grown ups, that you shouldn't need your mommy to change your diappy every afternoon. You need to grow a pair and get your ass to work. Learn your job, wear clean clothes, take that metal shit out of your face and get a grip on being an adult.  I know that you are just letting us know how edgy and independent you are but when your mom drops you off at work and gives you lunch money, the gig is up.

Perhaps there are folks out there who get along with everyone and are patient little teachers at their place of employment. I am not that person. I am hard to love, overly critical and have zero tolerance for stupidity. However, once you make the nice list, there is no mountain I won't climb or shift I won't cover for you. The co-worker who needed to be bitch slapped for his cup markings? He is one of my best friends and we still laugh about what an asshole I was. Life is good on the other side of my shit list.