Remember back before you birthed children, nursed babies, gained 50 pounds, lost 30 pounds, gained it again? That time when you could describe your boobs and butt as perky, not just your personality. I love having a perky personality, but what I wouldn't give to have the body of a 21 year old for one summer. I don't think I would even wear clothes at all, I would just wander around town in a bikini waiting to be arrested for indecent exposure. I mean what would that be like?
I have gained and lost so much weight in the last 7 years that the folds of skin are something to be photographed and sent to Guinness World Records. I never thought I would really have to fold up my boobs accordion style and stuff them into a bra, but my last visit to Victoria's sealed the deal, my boobs are officially deflated. I try to imagine what my body will look like when I am 90 and it makes me cry. It also makes me work harder at my marriage in hopes that no other man will have to bear witness to the situation under my clothing. Working out is great but there is really only one way to get rid of this extra skin and absolutely no way to make gravity work with me instead of against me.
These deep caverns on the side of my thighs that are lovingly called stretch marks, look more like the Grand Canyon painted a beautiful purple. My kids favorite pastime when we are cuddling in bed is to have mommy make a bagel with her tummy fat and believe me it is one supple, delicious looking bagel. Cream cheese, anyone?
So, since I don't have a Delorian to take me back 10 years ago I have decided to finally accept my saggy boobs, triple butt, and chicken arms. I am wearing a string bikini this summer, possibly to a pool near you. Until I can justify spending thousands of dollars to cut my body apart and tighten this shit up, it's time to get perky about all of it.
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