Get Over It...You're No Martha

Merry Christmas to all you bitches who think your kids can't decorate the tree "good enough" or make cookies the "right way" this holiday season. There is nothing like being parented by someone who finds themselves to be so inherently perfect that you (as the child) can't compete with how perfect they are. Then people wonder why their children move to far off lands and can't be bothered to book one holiday trip a year to visit mom. I will tell you why and hopefully my advice to you, OCD Mothers Of America, will keep a close relationship with your children for the long haul.

Stop redecorating the tree after your kids spend an evening trimming it the "wrong" way. How would you like it if I came to your house and redecorated your butt ugly front room after you spent time and love making it beautiful to you? Well, Wicked Witch of The West, that's how your kids feel when you take tons of fake scrapbook pictures of them decorating the tree only to put them to bed and pull all their handmade ornaments down in favor of the Modern Display ornaments you spent your mortgage payment on this month. Your house is not in the Parade of Homes, bitch. There is no magic elf looking to find the most beautiful tree in Utah and you are going to be one lonely granny with your "perfect tree" and no one to share it with in 4o years.

Next is your endless obsession with a clean kitchen and cookies that only you can make because your kids are messy. Yes, they are messy but who else is going to teach them how to make shitty Christmas treats that go directly from your house to the neighbor's doorstep to the trash? It's your job, Mama Bear. You brag about how much you love your kids and would do anything for them. Well, that anything includes letting them dump flour on the floor, mush their little fingers in dough and make a total wreck of your "gorgeous" kitchen. Little side note, Martha, your kitchen is meant to get used. You are creating memories for your kids. Or you can make sure the only memory they have is of mommy getting mad about a messy kitchen on Christmas Eve. Lucky for you, when your kids move out and don't want to come see you at the holidays you will have the cleanest kitchen and the most perfect tree in the neighborhood. Guess you're the winner.