You Took The Last Box Of Cereal, Bitch!

I have been on a budget before. I should be on one now but I am too busy not caring to save 25 cents on 12 boxes of Hamburger Helper that I am never going to eat. So instead, I trek on over to the local supermarket once every couple weeks and buy whatever the fuck I want. Usually shit that I like, my kids like, and crap my husband shouldn't eat. I do try to avoid the obvious shopping blunders that stupid people make ie: buying strawberries for 6 bucks a pound in December, buying the smallest container of ice cream with the highest price tag because it has a catchy name, and going all sorts of gangster with ribs and shrimp when, for the same cost, I could make my mortgage payment instead.

Here is what I don't understand about grocery shopping..couponers. Not old grandmas living on Social Security and buying food for one person couponing...I am talking you crazy fucking assholes who have three storage sheds and a 2,000 square foot basement full of food you will never see, let alone eat. Don't worry though, you win the prize for clearing off all the god damned shelves of any cereal my kids may want to wake up to tomorrow. Do me a favor and start digging into the 700 tubes of toothpaste you have in your front closet so I can actually have a chance at clean teeth tomorrow. Could ya? I know it's super important to be the first one through the door with your Trapper Keeper full of fantastic deals two hours before they even post the damn ad but the rest of us would love a shot at a couple Buy One Get One deals.

My favorite of your many couponing tactics is when you cut out the only coupon other people may have wanted in an ENTIRE stack of store ads and leave them for people to rummage through. It's almost as douchey as when you buy all the Sunday papers in every convenient store in town for the super double, triple, quadruple coupon bonanza. We all get it. Obviously you are the Queen of Couponing, with your cart full of groceries for 1.29. Gold star on the forehead for you. Everyone's impressed. Except the guy who ends up behind you at the checkout..and me.