Here's how it started. My husband got an iPad(trademarked name) and it has these things called apps. I am sure this is a lesson for no one but me. There are endless amounts of these fucking apps and one that I had heard lots of buzz about was Angry Birds. Anyone who is anyone had it on their phone, which confirmed my suspicion that I was a big fat no one. My phone functions only as a phone, which is soooo 1999. The phenomenon of this game had me interested because I may or may not be super fucking competitive and great at games. My kids played it on the phones of people I knew who had accepted technology and paid upwards of $400 for a phone (I have paid rent for a month that was less than that). My 5 year old was a pro. So last night, for the first time ever I played Angry Birds and I have to say.....I don't fucking get the point. It led me to a realization..... I was born in the wrong fucking decade and I want a redo. Now.
Angry Birds was one clue, but there are others. I like to communicate with people face to face which I don't think even happens when people live in the same house anymore. I am confounded by Twitter and while I obviously have many irreverent and hilarious things come into my head hourly, I refuse to "tweet" about it. I enjoy cooking and scrubbing a toilet. I would rock the shit out of a 50's housewife gig minus the heels. Why do I have to hit my mid-thirties in the midst of technology that only my 9 year old has the brain power to keep on top of?
Imagine that I was born in 1925....growing up in a depression which I am sure would be challenging. But if anyone could eat government cheese and potatos for every meal, it's me. I sure as hell didn't grow up rich and I know how to entertain myself with a stick and a rock. In 1950 I am 25 and have found the one person I want to fuck for the rest of my life. I have a couple babies and not even a black and white TV. No problem. I kept my vagina on lockdown until I was 21 anyway and I spend less time watching TV then most peoples' pets. Smoking cigarettes is sexy and I would have done it everywhere. I feel like I missed the real peak of smoking and I am a little butt hurt about it . At my age now, I would be hitting the mid sixties. Secretely enjoying the music and not understanding the drug culture or the need for sex with random strangers. I do that in this decade, anyway. Free love and free your mind? Isn't that the mantra of every person between the age of 18 and 25 nowadays? They live in mommy's basement, smoke weed all day and have 100 sex partners before really settling on one. At least back then, I could have rocked some mad bellbottoms and not had to learn anything more technologically challenging than a typewriter. Which I miss. In my forties I hit the mid 70's and a musical generation that I will publicly admit to loving my whole life. I am rocking out to Neil Diamond, Airsupply(YEP) and Barry Manilow. I could embrace a shag carpeted, split entry home because guess what? No cell phone upgrade to keep me up at night. The 80's find me becoming a grandma and slowing down. It gives me time to enjoy all the great 80's films on my super sweet VCR. I am traveling the world in my 60's while all the shitty bands I hated in high school are really taking off. I retire before the internet becomes the only means to dealing with daily life and die before I have to take any of this technology bullshit seriously. I would have never owned a cellphone, a laptop, a tablet, an eReader, a navigation system, or had to play Angry Birds. I could live with that.
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