I recently went to the cesspool of a city known as Vegas and packed a really beautiful new pair of ivory colored, peep toe, 4 inch Guess heels. I had kind of sort of tried them on at the store but it was more of a slip on, slip off moment due to the fact that I had no socks on and fairly sweaty flip flop feet. I felt guilty and the lady next to me wouldn't stop staring. Apparently I thought they had fit in that 5 seconds and proceeded to pay 30 dollars for those pain contraptions. Which brings us back to the glorious Vegas moment these shoes and I enjoyed. I got all dolled up for a night out and slipped those babys on. Immediately I teetered forward and nearly slid to my fucking death in a Las Vegas bathroom. No alcohol involved. I reconsidered the shoes but was informed by certain men that shall remain anonymous, that we had to dress up for the nights event and my other shoe options were inadequate. Flip flops and sneakers. I think its a fucking conspiracy that dress up attire for women is never as comfortable as dress up attire for men. It must be really hard to wear a polo, a pair of khakis and flat dress shoes you have had for 15 years for a night out, guys. Fuck you.
So the shoes and I ventured out. It was clear early on that there was no traction and the slim design of the shoe was quickly in cahoots with my hideously wide, misshapen feet. I was crying before we left the hotel. The shoes were off the minute we got in the car and I seriously considered trying to sneak into the nightclub barefoot. Would anyone really notice? There would be enough alcohol there to put an AA group in a coma, so I liked my chances. Here is the dumbass reason I kept wearing those god awful shoes. I started to compare myself to other heel wearing sluts who could actually walk upright. These broads could probably run marathons in stripper heels but I was looking around thinking "What is wrong with me?"
Well problem number one is that I wear elderly/nurse/janitor shoes to work...flat, ugly, lots of cushion. Second problem: When I am not at work, I prefer no shoes or the almost no shoe alternative, flip flops. Third problem: I don't make my money sliding down a slimy pole with nothing but 200 dollar shoes on. I am a terrible candidate for heels and the heels and I proceeded to have an uncomfortable night out together. I promised I would call but they knew it was a lie. When the moment finally came to take them off at 3am, I promised myself to never put them on again.
I had to get really honest with myself. I was cursed with short stubby legs and wide feet so really, who the fuck am I kidding that I look like a long legged beauty with the addition of heels? What I look like is an awkward high school freshman who can't walk and may have taken too many pain meds before leaving her room. Which is why I have officially boycotted heels. I choose comfort over pain. I choose short and stubby over long and voluptuous. If heels are required, my husband can wear them. I will sport the khakis and flats. Just a side note to you hos that enjoy pain...I have a cute pair of free heels to the first interested party. Size 8.
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