Isn't it every person's dream? To finally go toe to toe with that fucking demon/person that has been living on your shoulder, telling you what a worthless piece shit you are and how its all your fault. You are finally going to get the apology that is rightfully yours after feeling broken your entire life. You will tell them how they screwed the pooch on the whole deal and you will never forgive them. They ruined your life and now they can just marinate in their bullshit apology. I would have these fantasies more often than the types of fantasies a sexually healthy person should have. Then it happens, they say 'I'm sorry' and every dream you had, every comeback, every swear word is magically replaced with some sappy shit you would never say.
This was my whole life. I had convinced myself that I had been broken into a million pieces when he left and I was 3. When I was 15, I told myself that I was worthless and gave up on personal respect altogether. What I knew men did was leave. I was a professional at sucking the life out of every person I got close to. I wanted to taste them completely before they realized how fucked up I was and ran away. I hid behind fat and androgony and successfully avoided intimate relationships in high school. And proms. And dates. My goal was to get out and run. Then I ran and I couldn't get far enough away from myself.
Some years later, I met a man and he wouldn't go away. He insisted I was wonderful and I married him before he had time to realize the truth. I was still waiting to be fixed. That moment when my "real dad" came back and saved the day.
Then he came back. By now, I had super glued a bit of myself back together and I didn't feel so crushed by life. I thought angels would sing and the whole world would make sense when he asked to speak to me in private. But there were no angels. The world didn't feel more enlightened. The only thing that made sense was what I already knew. I had a family. I had people that loved me. I had a great childhood.
That great big I'M SORRY didn't change a fucking thing. The world kept spinning. I still felt as broken and loved as you I did 30 seconds before. There was no Dr. Phil or standing ovation. The only thing I wasn't prepared for was feeling nothing.
The news flash was this....what I thought I wanted for 31 years was as anticlimactic as my first roll in the hay. It didn't live up to the fantasy. I didn't say 'fuck you' or 'where the fuck did you go' or 'why'....I didn't care. Here's my Dear Abby advice for anyone waiting for 'I'm Sorry'.....give it to yourself and move this shit right along. I promise, hearing it from that person changes nothing about you. It won't fix whatever you think is broken. You won't punch them in the face. By the grace of some fucking god or universe or aura, you will have compassion and turn the other cheek. I suppose it's the only way we can cope for 80 to 100 years in this carnival show called life.
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