Drinking In Your 30's and Other Depressing News

Back in the day. Who doesn't love hearing an old person say that? It's always followed up by a story that makes me want to put a pillow over my face and pray for a blackout. Never interesting. Always about ancient shit like records, wars, black and white TV's or getting whipped at school. I always wondered why they told these stories. I remember specifically requesting that they not tell them. By old person, I mean anyone over the age of 30. That was always old to me. My mom was 31 my entire childhood and she was old. My dad was 12 years older than her, so he was grandparent old. Then I passed 29.
So, back in the day I could drink grown men under a table. Not Scottish men, but like gay dudes who were a few years older than me. I was unstoppable with a fifth of Vodka and easily removable clothing. The fun girl we all watch on sitcoms and think 'She's fun'. That was me. Start drinking at 3 in the afternoon and wake up half naked on a stinky futon next to the guy your friend made out with last weekend. Winning!!!! I could mix my drinks, liquor first beer later or beer mixed with liquor. It was all yummy and it was all in my belly. Then I was finally old enough to drink. It wasn't as exciting as I had hoped spending 80 bucks at the bar and not having a buzz. Clubs were apparently for people who made more than 8 bucks an hour and still had free rent with mom and dad. I wasn't that person. The drinking slowed down while I paid bills and then I met someone I wanted to sleep with for the rest of my life, in a clean bed.
I had kids. Let's blame my inability to drink on that. Clearly, I wasn't drinking while my children were in utero. Then I was nursing. Then I was responsible. Then I was pregnant. Then I was nursing. Then I was responsible. Then I was old. I knew it had all fallen apart when I couldn't smell liquor without dry heaving. Someone yelled 'Let's do shots' and I vomited on the kitchen floor. It was as if all those bad choices, all those nights with cheap liquor and no underwear had come calling. What they were saying was 'Bitch, you had your fun. Back that shit up, have a glass of wine and wear some shitty flannel pants to bed'. Young fun was replaced by responsible drinking. Cheap beer replaced by a large Guinness whenever the fuck I wanted it. Now that I can afford the club all I want to do is have a dark beer with my sister and drive home to have sex with the same person I have been having sex with for 12 years. Just imagine, one day this will be back in the day.