Pinning Your Interest

I have a love, hate, punches in the face relationship with Pinterest. I am a voyeur so I love to see how other people live, eat, dress, and cook. I love to get new ideas for dinner or how to wear leggings without resembling that teacher we all had who loved short sweaters and see through Lycra. There are times that I feel energized and excited when I scroll through the thousands of pins and likes. Then there are the other 9 times out of 10 that I feel it may be necessary to consult a shrink about how inadequate I am. I want to strangle pinners with perky asses and clean houses. I have an overwhelming urge to Google map their address and just randomly show up to see if they really live like that. I want to find out if I really am the only person who doesn't moisturize her hair with a "easy conditioner with ingredients you already have'. Here is how I picture these people living their "perfect" lives on a daily basis. It makes me want to slap a nipple on a bottle of Jack Daniels and crawl in my car trunk.
Perfect Pinner Life. Take 1: I take a shower with some homemade body scrub and mentally put together an outfit I saw on Pinterest. This is of course after I have done a 90 minute yoga session, made some gluten free bread and repainted my kids' rooms to look like Pottery Barn for only 75 cents! Isn't that what every great mom does on a daily basis? I then clip thousands of coupons and spend 5 bucks for a months worth of groceries, plant my entire garden and make dinner from scratch. At this point all I can think about is how much I want to try out that idea on Pinterest about how to keep your husband happy in the bedroom. Because who isn't so exhilarated by this point in the day  that you just have an overwhelming desire to suck some dick? If I can fit it between the 50 craft projects I am doing with my kids in the next hour and the shelf I am building for the garage, I may even sew up some sexy nighties for my romp in the sheets. The one thing I am not going to do is throw anything away. It's all useful for the 87 home decorating projects I plan to do once I get my beautiful, perfectly behaved children off to bed at exactly 8:00 pm. Those bread bag clips will come in handy right along with my conveniently organized boxes of toilet paper rolls. It's a good thing I created my own personal crafting station in the garage, it makes it a lot easier to build our new dining room table and china hutch. You know what I did forget today? My smoothie. Let me hurry in and blend up some healthy veggies, flavorless yogurt and a dash of honey so I can live to be 120.
My Life. Take 1: I'm dragging ass out of bed in my stained hoody that I have been wearing for at least 2 days. I open my bedroom door to an overwhelming smell of dog shit and dirty dishes. I'm feeling more motivated by the moment. Wake up grumpy kids. Resolve to shower, preferably with soap this time. Did I get soap at the store? Fuck. Drive kids to school in pajamas. Check. House full of paper airplanes and cat hair. That's my cue to sit down with a hot cup of coffee and check my social media pages. Hours pass. That shower isn't happening. Maybe I'll run today. Yeah and maybe I'll vacuum, lets be realistic here. Welcome kids home with sugary snack, not homemade and not secretly hiding vegetables inside. Feel exhausted. Make dinner...and by make I mean open cans of different things, heat them up and top them with melty cheese. Feed dog so he can hopefully shit on the carpet again. Litter box smells awesome so lets shut the door to that room since it also holds three weeks of dirty laundry that we don't want to look at. Fight with kids about bedtime, homework, sleepovers, TV time, iPad time, baths and chores. They pass out from exhaustion. Looks appealing. Check some pins on Pinterest, feel suicidal. Not sure why husband is touching me, I am certain I smell like a fast food dumpster. Turn down sex. Off to bed. And to think I didn't get all those projects done. Fail.