Yeah, I'm Not So Good At That.

I started working when I was fifteen and have been lucky enough to only be out of work a couple times.  Once when I moved back home to get married, one when I got laid off and then stayed home with my kids. Which is considered a job by some and a luxury by  people who have never done it. I like to work. I need to stay busy for the majority of my day, so working has never been a problem for me. Here's what I am not so good at....moving up in a company and making a decent salary. I have had opportunities and I seem to jump off the bridge at the last possible second with an excuse that there is surely something better at the bottom. Am I afraid of success? Possibly. Do I fear being stuck in a cubicle with hand painted mugs full of pens and 'Hang In There Kitty' posters? Yes.
I had a great job at a university hospital when my husband and I bought our first house. It had started as a temp job where I would cover for an employee on maternity leave for four months. It turned into me being offered a secretarial position that paid fairly well, had great benefits and had an option for partially paid tuition. On the outside it looked like the perfect opportunity for a twenty-two year old with no college education. The catch was, all the women in the office were older than my mom. They had clearly moved into their cubicle three decades ago and spent more time there than they did at home. Framed family pics, holiday decorations and seat cushion made out of fur adorned every corner of their office. They knew the filing system by heart and told stories about the doctors' many wives and their many late nights. The work I could handle, the possibility of being there for the rest of my life, I could not. I declined the position and attempted to find work closer to home.
A few years later, I was working for a corporate coffee shop. I was doing a bang up job in the position I was hired for and was approached by my manager to see if I was interested in moving up in the company. The store manager pay wasn't fantastic but the benefit were. I considered what my life would look like with two young children while working 70-80 hours a week and being on-call 24/7. I didn't need to make a substantial amount of money because my husband provided financially for our family and I provided the insurance. While I saw that there could be a great opportunity to move up in a fantastic company and possibly work there for many years, I turned down the offer. I wasn't passionate about never seeing my kids, having the stress of a store on my shoulders and sacrificing my family time to be a corporate bitch.
I'm not lazy, I don't think. I want to spend my life doing something that makes me happy and I have the option of finding out what that is. If we needed money, I would happily work three jobs to support my family. Thankfully, I don't have to. I am good at a lot of things, sacrificing myself for a "secure" career isn't one of them. My hope is to one day make money at writing, but only if it fulfills me in some other way as well. When it starts feeling like a water cooler job, I'm out.
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